Clint Eastwood Youth Program - CEYP Newsletter
Issue 32: Nurturing Success
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As new parents, we often think of the infant years as overwhelming: diapers, crying, and worries that we might hurt our little bundle of joy. (Remember back when your worries were so simple?) When your once-tiny newborn towers over you, has a very smart mouth, and presents you with a list of demands longer than the length of his or her attention span, it can be hard to remember that this adolescent being was once your sweet little bundle of joy. |
The teenage years are often the most difficult, and the most rewarding, child-rearing years. Parents generally want their children to be successful. We try to help them succeed in school, get them to pick up after themselves, maybe help them find a decent job. But how often do you ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing today setting up my children to be successful adults?”
OK, a few tough questions to ponder
What is success? Is it financial? Is it making the bed and keeping things tidy? Graduating high school/college? Or is it having others who love and support you? Being able to make the best with what you have?
How do you set up success? Think about how you achieve your goals, what experiences got you to your successes, and how you learned best. Most of us learn through experience. (How often do you learn from what someone tells you?) But how does your teen learn?
If you have ever trained anyone — an employee, a co-worker, your partner, a pet, or yourself — what did you do that worked well?
Keys for success
Here are some “golden rules” for setting up success for your children.
Determine your real goals. To get the bed made? To teach responsibility? To have your children be neat adults? For your children to learn independence?
Think about the long-term goals. When they are independent adults, what do you want them to know? What kind of people do you want them to be?
Think ahead. Does what you’re asking for work toward your overall goals?
Remember that words make a difference. Words that show respect, words that say you like the person you’re addressing, and words that are a request rather than a demand generally get better results.
Reinforce desirable behavior with rewards. Most humans respond more quickly and easily if a request is something they want to do, or if there is a positive reward attached. (A simple “Thank you” can be an effective reward.)
Work backwards
This may be the hardest, and most important key. If your goal is having children who have a good job and can support themselves, look for ways to help them reach that end. Help your teens learn how to budget, save money, and make sound financial decisions. Help them learn important job skills such as dealing with difficult people, basic business writing, and being on time. Talk about the future in positive ways: “You will be such an asset when you get a job.” “You’re so organized about your homework; that should help you be organized when you work, too.”
Cultivate your children’s ability to get along with others. Help them meet and deal with different types of people and support their friendships. Do things as a family to show you value others — play team sports, have a picnic with friends, volunteer with a local service organization.
Demonstrate that you value your children. Take an interest in what they do. Do fun things with them. Play may not feel productive, but it sends the very important message to your children that you value just being with them.
Take opportunities to teach. Teens still haven’t mastered all the skills adults have, so take opportunities to show, demonstrate, encourage, and teach them how to do things. Teach in small steps and repeat often.
Support your children’s strengths. Find ways to support and channel what they already do well. Spend more time supporting strengths than trying to correct negative behaviors. You know what your teens do well (argue, state their opinions, surf the internet, write last-minute essays, play sports, etc.); help them think of ways they can use those natural abilities. Perhaps the argumentative child would make a good debater or attorney? Or maybe the procrastinating essay writer can parlay their ability to write under pressure into a job as a television scriptwriter or a speechwriter?
Model, model, model. If you want your children to learn a behavior, you must demonstrate the behavior over, and over, and over again.
Keeping your eye on the prize not only helps set up your children’s success, it helps put the small stuff (the messes, dirty dishes, rolled eyes, insolence, etc.) in perspective. Which, in turn, helps keep you from turning into a “screaming meemie.”